why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
