I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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