i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
