I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug