I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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