I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
