I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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