i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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