Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
