i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
