i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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