I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
