You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
