There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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