I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
