You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
