He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
