I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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