It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
whose ass print is on the piano?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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