I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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