dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
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