just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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