ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
