i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
