Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
