They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Randomize
