I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
