I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
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Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
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I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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