hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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