you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
All I want is dick and wine.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
