he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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