oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
