Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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