ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
