The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
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I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
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I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.