I seem to have left my pride at pride
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
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i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
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He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.