im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Dating After Heartbreak
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.