he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist