I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
