I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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