Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
