Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
