hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
