my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
