im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
