There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
