The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
