Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
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You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
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No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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