I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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