She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
is wine microwaveable?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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