Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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