i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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