I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
