I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
