Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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