I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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