Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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