you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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