you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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